Thanksgiving for all intents and purposes is a nightmare. It’s the perfect cross between festive holiday cheer and a complete and utter shitshow. Between awkwardly making small talk with your estranged cousins, your raging alcoholic uncle, and that one aunt who keeps asking if you’re in a relationship, Thanksgiving is a mess.
With that in mind, here are some fun an inventive ways to ‘spice up’ your Thanksgiving dinner this year. And of course by ‘spice up’ we mean bring to a screeching halt and completely ruin.
Ask your uncle about his divorce
It’s not fair that you’re the only one who has to constantly be asked about your love life. “No grandma, I’m still single.” Flip the tables this year and ask your uncle slugging back whiskey how that divorce is going.
Announce to everyone that you didn’t vote
Wait until the absolute peak of your family’s inevitable political fight to let everyone there know that you didn’t vote this year. Even if you did. Nothing will unite the two warring sides screaming across the table like learning that their arrogant entitled millennial nephew/niece didn’t ‘t vote.
Spike the cider
This one is ballsy but definitely can be a fun time if executed properly. You don’t want to look too out of place with that flask you’ve been hitting every time you “go to the bathroom.” Keep your family at ease by spiking your aunt’s homemade cider.
Offer a toast to the Native Americans
Throw your family a curve ball this year by offering up a toast to the Native Americans. If you make it through uninterrupted, take a self-congratulatory shot. Even if you do get interrupted, still take shot. The aftermath should be thoroughly entertaining.
Bring an obnoxious plus 1
Showing up to Thanksgiving with the wrong guest can really ruin the day. So go out of your way to find the most obnoxious and outspoken person in your contact list and bring them over. Bonus if you can pretend they’re your significant other and dodge your aunt’s relationship status inquisition.
Bitch about your least favorite Gen-X and Babyboomer stereotypes
Normally you’re on the receiving end of this as the ‘wise and experienced sophisticated adults’ in the room drone on endlessly about how “tHeSe MiLlEnNiAlS” are ruining everything while you’re at the kid’s table double-fisting lokos. Beat them to the punch this year by going on a profanity-laden rant about all the things about old people that set you off.
Tell the host you’re a vegetarian
Throw a wrench into the plan by telling the host at the last minute you’re a vegetarian. Then be sure to guilt trip them for not having any non-carnivorous food options. At the very least sit and judge people for eating meat and throw out some stats from Food Inc.
Asking your cousin where their partner is knowing full well they broke up
Tired of being the only single person at these family gatherings? Put your cousin on the hotspot. You know damn well they broke up with their s/o, but you should still definitely ask them where they at though.
Determine the worst dish and let the person know it sucks
Once you isolate the shittiest dish of the day, find the person who brought it up start roasting it to their face. Of course, don’t let on that you know they brought it. Hit with something like “geez can you believe how bad that potato salad was? I wonder who brought that, that was awful. Ohh, it was you?”