OXFORD, MS– It looks like Christmas has come early for one eager beaver frat boy at the University of Mississippi. Bret Johnson claims his reoccurring hand cramps have completely gone away after downloading Mia Khalifa’s new Tinderbot extension. “It’s a miracle! No one in my family can believe it!” Johnson told the Daily Mississippian.
“I used to suffer from severe congenital hand cramps all the time,” the fraternity member said, “doctors told me if I didn’t stop swiping on Tinder I’d develop chronic rheumatoid arthritis and risk having to amputate my thumbs.”
“Sometimes it’d be so bad I wouldn’t even be able to hold my pencil and pretend to take notes in my gender and sexuality studies class that I took solely to meet girls,” Johnson admitted to the DM. Now that his hands are free from swiping Johnson has been on a tear all over campus lately, firmly holding onto everything he can with his newly restored hands. “It’s like when Patrick and Spongebob took Squidward jellyfishing and Patrick said ‘firmly grasp it in your hand,’ I totally get it now!”
Bret took to Twitter to celebrate and tweet out a link to a Youtube video he made thanking Khalifa for giving him the use of his hands back. “So yea Mia, thanks so much for the app, I haven’t had cramps once since I downloaded it! Ya know when people jokingly say, ‘first day with the new hands,’ well that actually how I feel!” He added, “there’s a whole world of things I can do now that I don’t have to worry about my hand cramping up, open a jar, flush the toilet, strangle my roommate, the list is endless!”
Now that his firm grip is back and better than ever, Johnson is super excited to hit up this weekend’s tailgate where he can tightly hold a bottle of Bud Light.