Mia Khalifa’s new Tinder bot app is already causing a stir across the nation. Horny men everywhere are loving the new extension and say that it gives them a renewed sense purpose in their life.
“I can finally start being more productive at work now,” said Barney Flanderson, a hopeless romantic creep who’s been working at a paper sales company for the last 25 years. “I used to get so far behind on my work because I would just sit in my cubical and beat it for hours swiping through all the hot girls on there.” Flanderson, 49, recently announced that he no longer feels the pressure of having to sit and swipe manually and that he will now start saving up to take a trip to Branson, Missouri, where he’s wanted to go since he was a child. Flanderson also said he plans to start creepily checking out women and masturbating furiously in real life now instead of his phone. “There’s a whole world that’s now been opened up to me!”
Unfortunately, not everyone is responding as positively to the app as Barney is. Richard Handy has been catfishing people on Tinder for 3 years and has no life beyond that and his miserable 3rd shift job at Jack in the Box. As a result of Khalifa’s new app, Handy’s life has been turned upside-down. Unable to meet anyone in real life, Handy trolls people on Tinder, luring in horny guys by posing as his high school crush, Aliya Roberts. Everything was going smoothly until Mia’s app came along. “That fucking app automatically swipes left on anyone with only one photo on their profile. It’s totally ruined my gig,” Handy bitterly told reporters.
Because Handy was only able to get one photo from Robert’s Facebook before she blocked him for sending both her and her husband unsolicited dick pics, the app has been digitally cockblocking his account from getting any attention at all. “Ya know, okay so I’m fat, greasy, and my breath smells like rotten fish tacos, it’s tough for me to get action. At least I could pretend to be Aliya and get off in my room by tricking dudes into sexting with me. Now it’s all ruined.” Since the devastating blow to his alter-ego, Richard’s life has unraveled and he’s now facing a mid-life crisis realizing he’d going to have to delete his page. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do” Handy exclaimed, “I haven’t tried actually socially interacting with people in person in years. This just sucks.”
It seems like Mia’s app might be the downfall for tons of Catfish accounts all over Tinder. But it also could lead to a new renaissance of Catfishing, causing them to really step up their game. “At the very least I hope this forces Catfishes to start being more creative,” Khalifa said in an interview responding to Handy’s story. She added, “Yo MTV, tell Nev to thank me later for reviving his dead show.”