The world of dating can be a tricky ocean to navigate. The whole process has been completely transformed with apps like Tinder. Now instead of having to go to bars alone and being petrified to approach someone, you can sit at home in your room and skim through thousands of potential partners. Unfortunately, most people don’t have the time to be on their phones all day sifting through faces to find their soulmate. That’s why I partnered with a team of developers to produce an app that will do all the work for you.
The idea came to me last year. I was watching the Noles game with three of my close friends; Case, Barry, and Jenny. It wasn’t just any Noles game mind you, it was the Noles-Gators game. Kind of a big deal. What was supposed to be a fun time to hang out and watch State crush UF turned into an agonizing three-hour therapy sesh where I listened to my friends’ sob stories of their awful Tinder experiences. Unfortunately, this became a regular occurrence every time we hung out.
It’s hard to enjoy any game when your friends are all on their phones swiping right like crazy hoping to get lucky. And guess who got to recap all the plays they missed while they were busy looking at their screens? Me. Maybe I should just go into color commentating.
Let’s start with Barry. After listening to his non-stop sighing for the entire first quarter I finally asked what was so damn depressing. Barry has always been one of the sweetest guys I know. Tinder just isn’t made for him. He’s one of those guys who either never gets a text back or immediately gets friend-zoned. Yet during his search, he managed to find ‘the perfect match.’ As he looked through her profile his face lit up with hope. She was perfect. She liked all his same interests. She liked reading Sci-Fi, used the oxford comma, and even had the same taste for post-grunge rock music. Unfortunately for Barry, it was not a match. I watched the light leave his face as he sunk into the couch for another 2 and a half quarters of pouting. This always happened to him. He’d get his hopes up with a ‘perfect match,’ only to be crushed.
Moving on to Chase. Chase isn’t exactly the most popular stud you’ve ever met, but he’s definitely someone who probably could get something going if he had an ounce of confidence. So, I got to listen to him go on and on for 20 minutes selling himself short while he explained why he “could never get with a super-hot girl.” I tried to give him a self-esteem boost, but he preferred to just sulk and confined himself to “5s and 6s who he actually has a shot at.” It was actually pretty pathetic to listen to him wallow in self-pity, albeit well deserved for grading women on a scale reserved for Wagyu beef. Apparently, this is what apps like Tinder do to you; they kill your confidence and waste all your time. I’d love to see these guys’ weekly screen time reports.
That leaves us with my girl Jenny. Jenny from the block (Upper East side New York). She’s sweet as can be and definitely has a lot to offer. Her problem is she keeps matching with creeps with no bio and only one photo, or worse: a group photo from a frat event. The truth is, she’s actually a great girl, but because she doesn’t have an hourglass figure and giraffe legs, overconfident d-bags whose idea of a good time is getting hammered off natty ice, write her off because they think they can do better (but if you checked their matches, you’d probably see that they can’t.) I feel bad for Jenny. She gets overlooked for not being Taylor Hill or Kendall Jenner and ends up with weirdos who swipe in their dorm rooms with themselves, a fifth of Burnetts and their crusty boxers.
After listening to those three bemoan about their horrible Tinder experiences and go on and on about how they’ll “never find someone,” I decided to do something about it.
The reality is most people don’t have time to sit and swipe. Most people have lives. The typical guy experience on Tinder is lying in bed or in the bathroom swiping through hundreds of girls, even some they’re certain they’re perfectly matched for, only to walk away empty handed with their confidence destroyed.
Your average girl, and I mean ‘average girl’ experience on Tinder is a lot like my friend Jenny. Cocky frat boys who overrate themselves pass you up and you’re left with burnouts and creepers.
After some brainstorming I came up with the solution: Mia’s Fire Dates. An app that takes the load off your back and does everything for you. The app allows you to sit back and relax, while it uses intelligent technology to swipe for you to find the perfect match. While you’re sleeping or watching AHS, the app swipes for you, giving you quality matches.
It’s pretty simple: download the extension, sync your Tinder account, and watch the matches pile up so you can start setting up dates. Now you’ll never have to be like Barry and suffer through rejections. You can just open up your app and immediately start looking at all the matches. And if you do decide to hit the bars, looking through all your matches on Tinder will give you a great sense of who to go after when you arrive.
After a few weeks with the app, Chase discovered he’s better looking than he thought. He couldn’t believe all the great girls who were matching with him this whole time. If you’ve got confidence problems, this is definitely for you.
For the Jennys out there, the app automatically swipes left on all accounts with no bio and only one photo. That way you can make sure you’re not matching with any fake accounts or creeps.
The app is perfect for anyone seeking to make their Tinder experience easier and more efficient. Rather than spend hours on your phone swiping through rejections, just let the app find matches for you. All you have to do then start making plans.
Download the extension today and never swipe again. Just turn it on and sit back and wait for the perfect match with Mia’s Fire Dates.